Life. A Never Ending Series of Discoveries

Time Out

2008-08-28T23:55:00.000-07:00

I'm almost done with summer courses so I am just peeking in right now. So much to share. Will leave you with an audio clip on the plastic sea thank to KQED's Spark program.

Making lists

2008-08-03T03:27:00.000-07:00

Brain scientists say it is best to make lists than keeping things in your head. I am working on nurturing this practice. Speaking of the brain we saw a great PBS pledge week seminar on how the brain can rejuvenate itself and what life habits enhance or destroy brain function. One of the bad one was lack of at least 6 hrs sleep, so I'm getting offline in a mine. The doctor's name was Daniel Amen and he has book on the subject. I'm also going to start making list and using Roboform for online forms. My brain could be better used that way. Dr. Amen talked how lower Alzheimer and Dementia risks. My grandmother had Alzheimer's and it was very different to lose her that way.

Relapse

2008-07-19T01:46:00.000-07:00

Whether it is due to a addictive substance, a reoccuring illness,or a particular behavior that leads to distructive tendencies it is so hard to see a person relapse and have to see them struggle. It would be easy to put blinders on and say "oh, it's not so bad" or "they will be just fine. I'll just leave them alone" But in your heart you know better. So when a family member relapsed after so many years of being well it is so sad. I am sad. I had to go to the Redwood Regional Park and be with my tall friends. It was Jalani's first visit and as I watched his eyes bright with amazement point at the hawks and redwood trees I felt joy and sadness. But the giants helped me remember that though life is bitter sweet there is dignity and grace in difficult times. After all what are trees but testaments of endurance.

So I prayed and laid as much of my sadness there in the park. And as we left I felt lighter and appreciative for my gift of inner stillness from the tall, flexible, swaying redwoods. Thank You.

Awakening

2008-07-06T14:48:00.000-07:00

There are many beautiful kind people in the world. There are many valiant activists and warriors fighting to regain our freedoms that we have slept away. I would like to same I am one of them but I'm waking up so I really do not feel I can say I am so honorable yet. I do know that for the sake of my family, friends, and community I am educating myself on the destructive forces that seek to plunder, kill, and destroy what is in no human beings right to do and that is ruin our children's future, cause deliberate sickness and disease, and disrespect the Earth. I grew up in Chelsea projects in Manhattan. Growing up I did not feel underprivileged. I had love, music, and great West Indian cooking. It was only growing up and the influence of tv that I know where I lived was not the ideal. I know know the ideal and many of those who live the suburban life, which in the late 70's & 80's was the place to be, live lives of quiet desperation. I don't want it.
I do know that I grew up not being exposed to the wonder of nature. Yes, there were snippets like Central Park (I love Central Park) and the botanical gardens but that nature contained. While beautiful, and thank goodness for the city planners, philanthropist who have created these oasis in the urban landscape, I know there is much more and I need to connect with it. We were driving down San Pablo Friday and I looked at a tree in the meridian. I think I finally really saw a tree because I could have sworn it greeted me. I felt it. Some of you reading this will think I'm full of shit, and I really don't give a shit. Some of you know. I looked at it then the light turned green, and the van approached another one, then another. And as I watched the trees go by leaves and branches swaying in the wind, I cried because they were so beautiful and alive. I felt something not because I like trees, this time I felt trees. At least the ones on San Pablo.
Nature exists for its own sake. If we as human can accept that and not contrain it most of the time what would life look like...feel like. Yesterday my son watered some plants on the courtyard and played in the dirt. Babies love water and playing in dirt. As he played and I followed him around making sure he did not eat the dirt, I began making a mental note of wild places we need to be in. So much to explore.
In matters of health, no need to say how good being in nature is.
Sigh...
I'm leaving with a few words on the flu vaccine. Please research it throughly before you take it. Despite my health condition I have not taken a flu vaccine in years nor will my son. Consider boosting your immunity with whole foods. I'm putting this youtube video to get you to question and do your own research on the flu vaccine. Don't be fooled there are interests that could care less if people perish from a pandemic just as long as it is not them.

Pain Got You Down But Not Out

2008-06-30T01:39:00.001-07:00

Ever since my birth I am dealing with tail bone and hip pain. It used to be so bad lying down was the only option. Thankfully essential oils
and magnets placed on my lower back has prevented my from using anything stronger than the occasional Tylenol. Range of motion and meditation helps as well but there is nothing like talking with others who deal with pain daily to really find peace.
No one talks about suffering openly but we all suffer from something. Support groups help countless people because walls are broken down and people suffer no more in silence. I saw this link on a listserve and thought this conference on Women in Pain Conference might be good to attend next year.

More on Partners In Health

2008-06-30T00:23:00.001-07:00

More about Partner's In Health-

Lecture on role of Public Health

Remembering Dr. Welner

2008-06-29T22:53:00.000-07:00

I re-post this article here to share the life and contribution of Dr. Sandra Welner to women's health care for women with physical disabilities. The Welner table has helped countless women get pap smears with dignity. I remember speaking with Dr. Welner months before her passing, and despite being busy with her book, she spoke with me about resources and strategies to get the Welner table in a clinic in Berkeley. I remember hearing about her for the first time and knew I was on the right track by founding Glad To Be Here in 2000. Sadly the Disabled Community lost her in 2001, but now blind and low vision people will benefit from her legacy it seems. After reading this article I realized that in areas where my studies do not match my career goals it is up to me to carve out instruction that will be of service to me and not wait for change.

Michai

Money ruling a remarkable woman's legacy

By HELEN O'NEILL, AP Special Correspondent Sat Jun 28, 5:29 PM ET

WASHINGTON - He thinks of her every time he gazes at the painting — a blazing orange sun she drew a few years after the tragedy. It is the only splash of color in his tiny K Street office and it gives him great joy, and a stab of sorrow.

He thinks of her every time he plucks a new $5 bill from his wallet and sees the large purple numeral emblazoned in the corner. It reminds him of how he used to sort her money: $1 bills in one envelope, fives and tens in others.

And of course he thought of her last month when a federal appeals court ruled on a case that could result in the redesign of the entire U.S. currency. It was one of the great legal victories of 53-year-old attorney Jeffrey Lovitky's career, and he wishes she could have been there to share it.

But had she been there, it might never have happened.

For the lawsuit filed on behalf of the American Council of the Blind was never just about discrimination or changing the currency so the blind can distinguish a $1 bill from a $20.

It was about a brilliant, gifted woman who changed so many perceptions and overcame so many obstacles that those who knew her never doubted her ability to continue inspiring enormous change, even from the grave.

It was about the memory of a smile.

___

In his second-floor office, Lovitky sifts through a well-thumbed photo album. "Here's a Sandy smile," he says, plucking a picture from the page. "And here's one. And this is truly a Sandy smile."

The pictures show a petite brunette nestling into his shoulder under a cherry blossom tree, playfully pushing him in an oversized beach wheelchair on the sand, clutching his arm at a black tie event at which she was receiving yet another award.

His eyes mist at the memory — Sandra Welner, the brilliant physician whose dazzling smile and tenacious spirit stole Lovitky's heart.

He found her after placing a personal ad in a Jewish newspaper — or really, she found him. He remembers the letter she wrote in response — not the words, but the tone. She sounded so intelligent, so lively, so interesting, and yet there was some obscure reference to a disability.

"I really must meet this person," he thought.

Their first date was in an Irish pub in April 1994. She was already seated when he arrived, and he felt an instant attraction to the radiant young woman with the gentle brown eyes and tumble of dark curls.

They talked for hours. She told him about her practice as a gynecologist, running a clinic for women with disabilities; about her parents — Holocaust survivors from Poland who had created a new life and family in Pittsburgh; about her travels all over Europe, Australia and Israel.

But there were things she never mentioned in those first few hours. He had no idea that she couldn't see his thinning hair and clear blue eyes, that she could only barely make out the shape of his face. Or that she had called the pub earlier to ask about the menu, so she could pretend to read it when she ordered.

It was only when they were preparing to leave, when she stood unsteadily and asked for help in getting a taxi, that he realized that she had difficulty walking. She held out her arm. Grasping it, he sensed they would be together for a long time.

Their dates were simple: walks in the park, petting horses at a stables near her Silver Spring apartment, takeout Thai dinners and occasional splurges on extravagant chocolate desserts at the Willard Hotel. She discussed her medical cases. He told her about his legal ones. Devoted news junkies, they often spent Saturday nights by the computer, Lovitky reading aloud the big stories of the day.

Gradually, he learned what had happened in those terrible days back in 1987.

She was almost 30, already a leading expert on fertility and women's reproductive health. She had a large circle of friends and colleagues, a thriving career as a micro-surgeon and no shortage of suitors.

Traveling alone on vacation in Europe, Welner fell ill — so ill that she checked herself into a hospital in Amsterdam. Her family is not certain what happened next except that she went into cardiac arrest and suffered a serious brain injury.

Welner's mother, Barbara, 81, still sobs at the shock of seeing her comatose daughter in a foreign hospital. Even if she survived, doctors said, she would be lucky to regain the ability of a 2-year-old.

"NO!" the mother cried. Not my brilliant, beautiful daughter, who could paint portraits that belonged in galleries, who played the violin so exquisitely that she was offered music scholarships in high school, who graduated from medical school at the age of 22. This was a child who, at the age of 12, had begged not to join a family vacation to Florida because she had enrolled in college courses instead.

Now doctors were saying she should lock her away.

"Not my Sandy," the mother said.

And so, for 16 days in Amsterdam, she read medical journals and newspapers and played classical music for her lifeless daughter. She talked to her and caressed her — anything to trigger a response. She got none. "The doctors thought I was delusional," she said.

Back in the United States, doctors offered the same grim prognosis.

Again, the mother said no.

And so Barbara and Nick Welner took their child home to New Haven, Conn. They read to her. They fed her. They bathed her. They taught her to count, to swallow, to sit up. They cried with her. Hour after hour, for days and months and years.

It wasn't a miracle, her mother says of her daughter's steady, excruciating recovery. It came of a determination so powerful that it burst from her broken body with a force that nothing could hold back.

But there were moments that felt like miracles. The day Sandy took her first tentative steps. The day a friend phoned from Israel, where Sandy had worked, and she began speaking in fluent Hebrew. She hadn't forgotten a word.

"I was in awe," her mother said.

Years later, as Lovitky heard these stories, he too was in awe. But not just of the woman he had grown to love. He was also awed by the older woman who became his dear friend.

"Sandy had such spirit and such courage," Lovitky says, "but her mother did, too. Such effort, such faith."

This was a woman who had fled the Warsaw ghetto with false papers as a young girl, who with the help of the Red Cross found her way to nursing school in England and eventually married a fellow Polish refugee in the United States. Both husband and wife had families who perished in concentration camps.

The Welners raised four children, two boys and two girls. But Sandy was always the star. "There was just this sense that she would accomplish extraordinary things," says her brother, Michael Welner.

By the time Lovitky met her, Welner's vision was severely damaged, her hands shook, and she walked with an unsteady gait. But her speech and mind were clear. And her memory was better than ever.

Lovitky marveled at her defiance. She refused to use a wheelchair. Instead she would pile the chair with her medical books and push it. Or she would use a cane.

She was dependent on others — the stream of medical students she paid to help her read, and write and file, on strangers to help her catch a cab, or spend money. And yet, Lovitky says, "she was more independent than anyone I knew."

She went skydiving in Australia, alone. She climbed — inch by inch — the ancient historic site, Masada, overlooking the Dead Sea in Israel.

When she eventually moved into her own apartment in Washington, she insisted on cooking great Passover seders for her family.

"If Sandy wanted to do something, nothing was going to stop her," Lovitky says.

But the hardest challenge she faced was professional — being accepted back into the medical world that had once embraced her.

Dr. Alan Decherney, a leading gynecologist and obstetrician, remembers the young woman with the cane shuffling into his office at Yale University to ask for his help. In a residency, years earlier, he had considered her smart and promising. Now she just looked pitiful.

You can't go into practice, he told her, knowing how harsh he sounded but trying to be honest. You are legally blind and you are spastic.

But Welner pressed on. And something about her courage moved Decherney to let her sit in with other residents and join him on patient rounds.

She astounded him. This woman isn't just smart, Decherney thought. She's brilliant.

"I had to tell her not to answer all the questions all the time," Decherney said, chuckling.

For the rest of her life Welner called Decherney her hero. When no one else in medicine would answer her calls, he made them on her behalf. With Decherney's help she landed a job overseeing a clinic for women with disabilities at Washington Hospital Center. At the time, there were few resources for disabled women who wanted to get pregnant.

"Doctors simply didn't want to deal with a woman in a wheelchair who wanted to have a baby," said Trish Day, one of Welner's first patients who became a close friend. "Sandy didn't just understand the complications of a disabled body," Day said. "She understood my dream."

A year and half later, after watching another surgeon perform an emergency Caesarean section, Welner was the first person to hold Day's newborn daughter, Diana. It was one of the proudest moments of her career.

But Welner did far more than encourage her patients. She designed and patented a special examination table for disabled women — lower and more maneuverable than the standard ones. She lectured on the need for disabled woman to get regular gynecological checkups and mammograms, something some avoid because the equipment isn't adapted for them.

In a particularly sweet triumph, she returned to the nursing home in Connecticut and lectured the doctors who had once declared that she would function no better than a 2-year-old.

Then, in 1997, Welner's clinic was closed because of cutbacks. She was devastated. And yet, Lovitky says, as she had so often done, Welner accepted reality and moved on.

She hurled herself into her work — applying for research grants, writing a book on medical care for women with disabilities, becoming a faculty member of Georgetown and Maryland University medical centers, speaking at the United Nations, lecturing around the country and the world.

Few knew that Welner's masterful hour-long PowerPoint presentations were memorized by heart. She couldn't see her own slides.

"She just never stopped," says Lovitky. He worried sometimes about how hard Welner pushed herself, rarely getting more than a few hours sleep a night.

And then, in an instant, everything stopped. It was Oct. 8, 2001 and the country was still reeling from the shock of the Sept. 11 attacks. Lovitky and Welner had talked about it by phone that night. It was the last real conversation they ever had.

The call jolted him awake a few hours later. "There's been an accident," said Welner's neighbor. "It's serious."

Lovitky grabbed a Bible and raced to the hospital. Swathed in bandages, a breathing tube in her throat, Sandy was barely recognizable. She had third-degree burns over 70 percent of her body. But she smiled and mouthed "I love you," and blew a kiss.

She had been lighting a memorial candle for her late father, when the flame caught her nightgown. The neighbor had broken down her door and pulled her from the fire.

The next 13 days were blur of suffering and sadness as Lovitky and Welner's mother and brother waited, willing Sandy to survive, clinging to the belief that she might. After all, this was Sandy — invincible, irrepressible Sandy. She had come back from near death once before. Surely she could again.

On Oct. 21, Lovitky whispered his last words to the woman with whom he had planned to spend his life. He doesn't even know if she heard.

She died 10 minutes later. She was 42.

___

In the months after Welner's death, Lovitky felt bewildered by grief and regret. He couldn't work, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep.

He went to Israel, trekked to all the most dangerous parts. Family and friends feared he had a death wish. There were times he wondered if he did.

At his darkest moment, Lovitky talked to his rabbi.

What can I do, he cried.

Do something good that will contribute to her memory, the rabbi told him.

And then Lovitky remembered the envelopes, how he would sort Sandy's money before she went on trips — putting the $1 bills in one envelope, the tens and twenties in others. He remembered her frustration at having to trust strangers for the right change.

And he realized that there was something he could do — something that could both celebrate Welner's legacy and affect the lives of millions. Elsewhere around the world, accommodations are made for the blind — different sized notes or tactile features such as raised markings.

Why not the United States?

In May 2002, Lovitky sued the Treasury Department on behalf of the American Council of the Blind, arguing that its failure to design a currency that is accessible to blind people is a form of discrimination.

In November 2006, the court ruled in favor of the Council.

"Plaintiffs have demonstrated that they lack meaningful access to U.S. currency," Judge Judith W. Rogers wrote in the ruling, which the U.S. Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit upheld in May. "Even the most searching tactile examination will reveal no difference between a $100 bill and a $1 bill. The secretary has identified no reason that requires paper currency to be uniform to the touch."

The Treasury Department, which argues that a redesign of the currency would be too costly, has not said if it will fight the latest ruling.

___

Lovitky visits Welner's grave several times a year — when he travels to Pittsburgh to visit her mother. They rarely talk about the lawsuit, though they know Sandy would have been proud.

For his part, Lovitky says he feels a strange detachment about the outcome. There is little of the personal satisfaction or pride he has felt with other legal victories. He understands why. He understands the long hours he poured into this case — all the research, all the briefs, all the consultations with other lawyers — was never really about winning. Or about money.

It was about commemorating the spirit of the rare and beautiful woman who changed his life.

It was about love.

Between Breaks

2008-06-16T02:24:00.000-07:00

It is done, the yard sale ,this quarter's phase of decluttering and putting misplaced household objects back in their respective places. Jalani has a cold so Raven is close at hand to dab on his runny nose and rub on his back.
We planted red & yellow peppers, cilantro, with marigolds last week in one of the courtyard planters. I look forward to seeing them grow.

It Can Be Done!

2008-05-05T22:54:00.001-07:00

I was watching 60 minutes last night when I saw this segment on Dr. Farmer's health programs in places like Haiti and Rwanda. As I watched I felt not only what I was seeing was shifting my being but I was looking at individuals who like so many others, model pure service and compassion for humanity. If Dr. Farmer is able to do so much with so little is the United States health care problem just a matter of high cost and lack of coverage? Or is it a question of will and a scarcity mentality that cripples the ability to seek solutions outside of a box? Change does and will happen whether one is resistant or not. I am a human being. You are a human being. We are capable of great things!
Enjoy Dr. Farmer and contribute to this organization-Partner's in Health

The Dance

2008-04-27T01:17:00.000-07:00

It was a outstanding day in the Bay Area-sunny, warm, with no disturbing fog in the afternoon. Perfect whether for a reptile like me...but Nick had problems :(. I was going to write about our trip to Tiburon on this majestic day, but I opened my email and one link became another and I came upon these dancer's I wanted to share. What is music if it does not make you sing, dance, or feel more alive. I crack up when I watch Jalani bouncing to music, or when I sing his favorite Elmo song and he starts bobbing. My mom says every baby knows how to dance. So true..
Enjoy these dancers courtesy of YouTube( don't you just LOVE YouTube). Jam on!

And this one (excuse the advertising). Shake it now...
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Last but not least:

Right Now

2008-04-23T08:18:00.000-07:00

Right now the sun's light is filtering in between the window blinds in my home office. I can hear the construction crew outside my window moving metal but the sound is soft. Birds are chirping...cars roll down the avenue...ah there goes a chainsaw. Sounds of the city getting on with the day. Baby and love sound asleep in bed. I'm up tired, awake, content, befuddled. Took a pause to practice lotus balance Qigong. Really this is a special moment here in filtered light in love...

Thankful

http://www.wayofjoy.com/

Keeping your child safe is more than childproofing cabinets

2008-04-06T15:53:00.000-07:00

Whew. Another week and it seems the more we finish cleaning up the more I see that has to be given away or put in storage. This weekend we began throwing out cleaning products and toiletries I do not want in the house. We threw out the bleach and Comet months ago, but I'm not comfortable with the ingrediants in our toothpaste and shampoo. So we are restocking with Cleure Jalani is crawling and taking baby steps around the house, and is having so much fun pulling books and papers down. He then will look at his new acquisition , turn it around fingering it closely, then chuck it for a new item. We have childproofed the house but there is no break for the vigilence that is required when Jalani is on the move.

Oh and I will get to my birth story. For those of you who emailed me about this I have not forgotten.

Be well

No Woman No Cry- Bob Marley

2008-03-30T16:11:00.000-07:00

Ah Bob Marley. How fortunate we are that he walked the earth. I was strengthened during my pregnancy listening to this song, and continue to be inspired, soothed, and motivated by Bob's music. I grew up in a home where Bob Marley was regularly played along with Peter Tosh, Sparrow, and Caribbean music that is full of rhythm and spice. As a child I looked forward to Eastern Parkway's Labor Day carnival parade in Brooklyn, NY. There I would see beautiful women dressed in flowing fabric, boa's, and wearing carnival costumes with glittering bodies winding to the steel drums. Men, sharply dressed, in their costumes keeping the beat. Our family would some years look on from the sidewalk, or out from our window at the festivities and floats as they went down the parkway. Gosh I feel sometimes like I am living in a cave in Northern Ca. I cant find a good Roti without sending away for it. Thank goodness for the Malta I can get from Mexican stores. Gracias La Raza.
Now here is Bob Marley

bob marley - no woman no cry

[via FoxyTunes / Bob Marley & The Wailers]

Lights Out for 60 minutes

2008-03-29T21:21:00.000-07:00

Turned off lights for 60...ok 45 minutes and just used candles to light home. It was very relaxing and cozy. We should do this more often. The earth needs more than just an hour once a year. See Earth Hour.

Almost Forgotten

2008-03-29T02:28:00.000-07:00

I am surfing the web after finishing another late night assignment thinking about blogging, when I remembered I already have a blog. Then I really managed a feat . I remembered my login info and here I am writing this entry. So much to convey but it will have to wait till another time. I will leave you with a picture that is sublime...
Be well.

Any Day Now

2007-02-19T22:37:00.000-08:00

Feeling pressure and contractions now more intensely. Comes and goes with no rhythm. Not time yet. So uncomfortable these days but have to carry on. Sigh Nick says I am big but I don't feel big except when on side.

I just wish the nights were better.

Baby Care Assistance for parents with physical disabilities in California

2007-02-13T23:11:00.000-08:00

Hi Friends,

I have created this petition: "Right To Parent Petition" to advocate for baby care assistance for parents with disabilities in California. If you live in California and agree that having the ability to hire an attendant to help you physically with baby care activities is a service that people with disabilities need please sign.

It takes just 30 seconds, but can truly make a difference. Please click or copy this link to your browser

http://www.thepetitionsite.com/takeaction/240090681

Thank you for your support! If you feel this service doesn't concern you now think about the future. Hopefully with your support this service will be available if you need it.

37 Weeks

2007-02-13T00:55:00.000-08:00

Well 36 weeks have come and gone. Baby can come with no premature issues. I want to thank all of you who have held me and Nick in their prayers. I want to thank myself for having faith in the unknown and believing in my inherent strength.

I know even more about life and death and the sanctity of both worlds. I have only my faith in True Buddhism, and you Jalani, to thank for this true reality. From my heart of hearts thank you for coming into our lives.

Lachaim

Difficult Breaths cont'd....

2006-12-16T01:59:00.000-08:00

Ok its been two days :(. No breath shorties but it is very difficult typing with my mouth wand because I have to lean over belly to reach keyboard. So this entry will not be long. I just got Naturally Speaking but its on laptop and I'm still learning and training the f&#king thing. I hate that!

Yes, I'm crabby. You would be too if you felt like a whale. Sigh. Ok get a grip Michai.

My doctor's are very happy and amazed at how well I am doing when I went into the hospital last week. They probably would think me a little nutty at what I use in terms of holistic aids to support my body, but then again maybe not. I will go into detail later. Right now I am going to get in bed and drift off to sleep in a haze of lavender essential oil.

Difficult Breaths

2006-12-10T23:42:00.000-08:00

This last week had been challenging for Nick and me. We went to the hospital because I had a bad shortness of breath spell on Tuesday. It seems to happen in the morning only, but oh is it scary and tiring. I wanted to make sure my blood was getting oxgenated adequately because the shortness of breath I have had for a week now. From the medical research I've read this is common for the two vent users who were pregnant. It can occur to able-bodied pregnant women as well due to the uterus expanding up into the addominal cavity pushing against the diaphram. At this stage of my pregnancy with babe,stomach, and lungs competing for space me and my medical team know this is going to be the most difficult period.

When I got to maternity triage and was being placed on the ultrasound. It became obvious that my little Chicken is going to be as stubborn as his parents. Chicken did not like the machine at all. He kept kicking and moving out of the way so the nurse had a hard time pinning down his heart rate to trace it. I asked if he was in distress but the nurse assured me the only thing that was bothering him was the machine. He kept kicking where the instrument was-hard!I wonder if his ears were hurting? My stomach jumped like there was a bull frog trying to get out. When finally the ultrasound paddles were in place Chicken's kicks and heart sounds sounded like the drum section at a rock concert. The nurse said he was an active strong boy. No one has to tell me. My little one loves to turn, stretch, jab, and kick especially at night. The other night Nick saw a foot above my belly button. So amazing.

continued tomorrow

Helping Hand

2006-12-03T21:23:00.000-08:00

It is comforting to be able to offer support to someone especially to someone you do not know. In the last week I have come into contact with two women with SMA that are expecting. Though we all have different circumstances we share concerns about our babies like all moms. I am having breathing difficulties at times. Shortness of breath stuff. Some women are having back pain. In my pregnancy it seems issues arise quickly and then subside almost as quickly as they come. Lets see there was the restless nights, food aversion, smell aversion, people aversion, back & leg pain, and now shortness of breath. It really is true pregnancy is not for the faint of heart, but I know we all build our spiritual, emotional, and physical sense of ourselves on this journey to motherhood.

Last night I was thinking of what to write. I thought of the people who gave me such stress early in the pregnancy. I thought of how long 9 months seemed and all the unknowns inbetween. Not out of the woods yet I feel distant from those people in a way I find hard to write about. What if I traded in my fortune out of fear and reason? Through trepidation don't we find our way? Would I have met these women, and marveled at my growing belly knowing that regardless of what happens I have curved out a piece of my soul that has never been accessed before. Fear matters but thank goodness everyone has the capacity to be fearless.

In Buddhism is a "sin" to begrude ones life but how many times have I committed this? Too many to count. However, growing this baby I am understanding what this prohibition means. The miracle of life is so amazing yet mundane at the same time. All humans are incredible and the universe has brought forth so many wonders( and continues to), it is easy to see why we are blind to it much of the time. We are all so extra ordinary. To be and not regret ones form. To be and not to regret ones form. To be and not regret ones form. To be and to bring forth another of you but not yours. How sublime!

23 Weeks

2006-11-03T02:41:00.000-08:00

Twenty-three weeks. A little over half way to 40 weeks gestation.

Tummy is growing and breathing is fine. I am so grateful!

Things change everyday

2006-10-27T00:41:00.000-07:00

Sunny and warm day with light breeze. I feel introspective today. As if I have no use for words because they do not really convey what I feel . So I am quiet but it is amazing and irritating when speech is necessary to say "yes" or "not now". There is no denying that with pregnancy comes a spiraling web of emotions that can at times blow my mind. An intensity of all things with insights of which I have deliberately put aside wrong or right distinctions. I just want to feel. Some people are so scared of feeling. Others use thinking. However, the body is no fool and responds to feelings all the time. Feelings are the undercurrent of bodily intelligence.

As part of prenatal ritual, exams and monthly blood tests are called for. Blood draws are invariability a right of passage for some phlebotemists after succeeding to get a specimen from me. I almost treat the process as a cosmic prank of sorts as the technician looks with furrowed eyebrows at my wrists and hands. I am thin with constriction at my elbows which makes the usual point of entry of blood draws out of the question. So today I watched as a very focused technician swabbed my wrists and looked around, sighed, and went to get another technician. I knew before hand she was going to do that. I felt a sense of anxiety in her finger tips. They were too tentative. I took a deep breath and told her not to worry, she will draw my blood the next time. I do not want to hurt you" she said. I laughed and said she beat my three try rule (which is also the average number of blood draws it took before I started using magnets) but next time we will see.

The next technician came and said he was a one stick man. That is all we need I thought and I knew it would be. He took out 7 tubes of different sizes of blood vials. I am always amazed at how they know what tube size would satisfy a test. As I looked at my collection I though this is going to be interesting, and hoped I drank enough water. After a couple of heat packs and the usual tapping, a brave vein complied with only one stick. Another fringe benefit of my pregnancy is my increased blood volume. Pretty wonderful :) . As I watched the blood collect in the tubes I thought about the information it contained. All the nutrients it is carrying to my cells and Chickens, and I said a quiet daimoku to bless it. Bright red. My favorite color. With all 7 tubes filled and feeling lightheaded for a minute we left to eat lunch at Whole Foods.

By this time I feel like a waddling goose because the baby has shifted to my left side which always makes me feel like I have beach ball in my abdomen. I want to describe this feeling because it so amazing. Image there is a bulge on your right side. Is hard and roundish. Then there is gurgling feeling with maybe some fluttering with movement, and then the bulge is on the left side of your lower belly. It's so trippy. How does the baby find the space?

By the time I got home I felt a burst of energy and visited some friends in my building I had been meaning to see for awhile. I came home and Nick said to me we should see as many movies as we can in the theater before the baby comes, or we might forget what its like to go. I agree.

Sigh. I'm yarning. I will end the blog here. Sleep is engulfing me. That is another thing I have noticed in my pregnancy. Transitions between energy states is very short. Bye-bye.

Baby'R' Us

2006-10-24T00:11:00.000-07:00

Another beautiful day in Northern California. Me & hubby did a lot today. We finished our baby registry at Baby 'R'Us. Gosh that store is a trip. This was my second time there to finish registering and met two new mothers like me who were totally overwhelmed. LOL. So much stuff brightly decorated that truly when you get down to it is not essential, but I had so much fun looking and imaging what is a mother to do? Nick , ever vigilent dad, put his foot down at the umpteenth blue onesie though. He picked out a sweet purple jumpsuit but we both agreed the stitching "little princess" on the chest was too obviously unexcuseable. We put it back and picked out an adorable yellow jumpsuit with pink flowers and ribbons. We looked at each other and laughed because one of these days our little chicken (that is our name for him right now) is going to be photographed in a dress.

As I listen to glorious Prince, I bemoan the constrained color palatte for our baby boys. Well, I guess that's what sewing machines are for, not that I am going to have the time to sew anything though.

Chicken loves to kick and move at night. I'll never forget October 7th, 2006 the first time I felt him kick. Wow. It felt like a frog jumped up and down in my abdomen. If I was not laying down I would have gotten into bed just to be still. Words can not do justice to how mind blowing the moment is. How truly sublime life...this life is, and I get to carry it. Since then my little one tap dances mostly at night. I am sure he likes my joy of music and the lightness it brings me. When I listen to my music I imagine myself dancing and I sing the lyrics and I know he is in tune with my joy. I have started visualizing dancing with him in my arms and singing to him, like right now we are enjoying Jessica Simpsons' redition of "Take My Breath Away". And he taps his feet ever so gently. So sweet.