Difficult Breaths cont'd....

Ok its been two days :(. No breath shorties but it is very difficult typing with my mouth wand because I have to lean over belly to reach keyboard. So this entry will not be long. I just got Naturally Speaking but its on laptop and I'm still learning and training the f&#king thing. I hate that!

Yes, I'm crabby. You would be too if you felt like a whale. Sigh. Ok get a grip Michai.

My doctor's are very happy and amazed at how well I am doing when I went into the hospital last week. They probably would think me a little nutty at what I use in terms of holistic aids to support my body, but then again maybe not. I will go into detail later. Right now I am going to get in bed and drift off to sleep in a haze of lavender essential oil.

Difficult Breaths

This last week had been challenging for Nick and me. We went to the hospital because I had a bad shortness of breath spell on Tuesday. It seems to happen in the morning only, but oh is it scary and tiring. I wanted to make sure my blood was getting oxgenated adequately because the shortness of breath I have had for a week now. From the medical research I've read this is common for the two vent users who were pregnant. It can occur to able-bodied pregnant women as well due to the uterus expanding up into the addominal cavity pushing against the diaphram. At this stage of my pregnancy with babe,stomach, and lungs competing for space me and my medical team know this is going to be the most difficult period.

When I got to maternity triage and was being placed on the ultrasound. It became obvious that my little Chicken is going to be as stubborn as his parents. Chicken did not like the machine at all. He kept kicking and moving out of the way so the nurse had a hard time pinning down his heart rate to trace it. I asked if he was in distress but the nurse assured me the only thing that was bothering him was the machine. He kept kicking where the instrument was-hard!I wonder if his ears were hurting? My stomach jumped like there was a bull frog trying to get out. When finally the ultrasound paddles were in place Chicken's kicks and heart sounds sounded like the drum section at a rock concert. The nurse said he was an active strong boy. No one has to tell me. My little one loves to turn, stretch, jab, and kick especially at night. The other night Nick saw a foot above my belly button. So amazing.

continued tomorrow

Helping Hand

It is comforting to be able to offer support to someone especially to someone you do not know. In the last week I have come into contact with two women with SMA that are expecting. Though we all have different circumstances we share concerns about our babies like all moms. I am having breathing difficulties at times. Shortness of breath stuff. Some women are having back pain. In my pregnancy it seems issues arise quickly and then subside almost as quickly as they come. Lets see there was the restless nights, food aversion, smell aversion, people aversion, back & leg pain, and now shortness of breath. It really is true pregnancy is not for the faint of heart, but I know we all build our spiritual, emotional, and physical sense of ourselves on this journey to motherhood.

Last night I was thinking of what to write. I thought of the people who gave me such stress early in the pregnancy. I thought of how long 9 months seemed and all the unknowns inbetween. Not out of the woods yet I feel distant from those people in a way I find hard to write about. What if I traded in my fortune out of fear and reason? Through trepidation don't we find our way? Would I have met these women, and marveled at my growing belly knowing that regardless of what happens I have curved out a piece of my soul that has never been accessed before. Fear matters but thank goodness everyone has the capacity to be fearless.

In Buddhism is a "sin" to begrude ones life but how many times have I committed this? Too many to count. However, growing this baby I am understanding what this prohibition means. The miracle of life is so amazing yet mundane at the same time. All humans are incredible and the universe has brought forth so many wonders( and continues to), it is easy to see why we are blind to it much of the time. We are all so extra ordinary. To be and not regret ones form. To be and not to regret ones form. To be and not regret ones form. To be and to bring forth another of you but not yours. How sublime!

23 Weeks

Twenty-three weeks. A little over half way to 40 weeks gestation.


Tummy is growing and breathing is fine. I am so grateful!

Things change everyday

Sunny and warm day with light breeze. I feel introspective today. As if I have no use for words because they do not really convey what I feel . So I am quiet but it is amazing and irritating when speech is necessary to say "yes" or "not now". There is no denying that with pregnancy comes a spiraling web of emotions that can at times blow my mind. An intensity of all things with insights of which I have deliberately put aside wrong or right distinctions. I just want to feel. Some people are so scared of feeling. Others use thinking. However, the body is no fool and responds to feelings all the time. Feelings are the undercurrent of bodily intelligence.

As part of prenatal ritual, exams and monthly blood tests are called for. Blood draws are invariability a right of passage for some phlebotemists after succeeding to get a specimen from me. I almost treat the process as a cosmic prank of sorts as the technician looks with furrowed eyebrows at my wrists and hands. I am thin with constriction at my elbows which makes the usual point of entry of blood draws out of the question. So today I watched as a very focused technician swabbed my wrists and looked around, sighed, and went to get another technician. I knew before hand she was going to do that. I felt a sense of anxiety in her finger tips. They were too tentative. I took a deep breath and told her not to worry, she will draw my blood the next time. I do not want to hurt you" she said. I laughed and said she beat my three try rule (which is also the average number of blood draws it took before I started using magnets) but next time we will see.

The next technician came and said he was a one stick man. That is all we need I thought and I knew it would be. He took out 7 tubes of different sizes of blood vials. I am always amazed at how they know what tube size would satisfy a test. As I looked at my collection I though this is going to be interesting, and hoped I drank enough water. After a couple of heat packs and the usual tapping, a brave vein complied with only one stick. Another fringe benefit of my pregnancy is my increased blood volume. Pretty wonderful :) . As I watched the blood collect in the tubes I thought about the information it contained. All the nutrients it is carrying to my cells and Chickens, and I said a quiet daimoku to bless it. Bright red. My favorite color. With all 7 tubes filled and feeling lightheaded for a minute we left to eat lunch at Whole Foods.

By this time I feel like a waddling goose because the baby has shifted to my left side which always makes me feel like I have beach ball in my abdomen. I want to describe this feeling because it so amazing. Image there is a bulge on your right side. Is hard and roundish. Then there is gurgling feeling with maybe some fluttering with movement, and then the bulge is on the left side of your lower belly. It's so trippy. How does the baby find the space?

By the time I got home I felt a burst of energy and visited some friends in my building I had been meaning to see for awhile. I came home and Nick said to me we should see as many movies as we can in the theater before the baby comes, or we might forget what its like to go. I agree.

Sigh. I'm yarning. I will end the blog here. Sleep is engulfing me. That is another thing I have noticed in my pregnancy. Transitions between energy states is very short. Bye-bye.

Baby'R' Us

Another beautiful day in Northern California. Me & hubby did a lot today. We finished our baby registry at Baby 'R'Us. Gosh that store is a trip. This was my second time there to finish registering and met two new mothers like me who were totally overwhelmed. LOL. So much stuff brightly decorated that truly when you get down to it is not essential, but I had so much fun looking and imaging what is a mother to do? Nick , ever vigilent dad, put his foot down at the umpteenth blue onesie though. He picked out a sweet purple jumpsuit but we both agreed the stitching "little princess" on the chest was too obviously unexcuseable. We put it back and picked out an adorable yellow jumpsuit with pink flowers and ribbons. We looked at each other and laughed because one of these days our little chicken (that is our name for him right now) is going to be photographed in a dress.

As I listen to glorious Prince, I bemoan the constrained color palatte for our baby boys. Well, I guess that's what sewing machines are for, not that I am going to have the time to sew anything though.

Chicken loves to kick and move at night. I'll never forget October 7th, 2006 the first time I felt him kick. Wow. It felt like a frog jumped up and down in my abdomen. If I was not laying down I would have gotten into bed just to be still. Words can not do justice to how mind blowing the moment is. How truly sublime life...this life is, and I get to carry it. Since then my little one tap dances mostly at night. I am sure he likes my joy of music and the lightness it brings me. When I listen to my music I imagine myself dancing and I sing the lyrics and I know he is in tune with my joy. I have started visualizing dancing with him in my arms and singing to him, like right now we are enjoying Jessica Simpsons' redition of "Take My Breath Away". And he taps his feet ever so gently. So sweet.